Dear mommy

~Lots of thoughts whirling in my mind. Some sad, some pondering and some just extremely tiring. Got some bad news from home. Cried for a bit but ok now. Just keep swimming. ~

I'm a big girl now. I'm 22 and I've been living on my own for the past three and a half years. Well almost - minus the supporting myself bit. But still away from home, cooking and learning to be my own person. I think it's ok we're not that close. Because when it comes to the matters of the heart, I think you will understand.

Because we are all human beings belonging to the race of humanity. And if there is one thing that distinguishes us from everything else, it is that we can learn.

I don't think we are born with the skills and knowledge to fill a role. I wasn't born a daughter, neither were you born a mother. I learn to be a daughter as you learn to be a mother. Present tense, because we never stop learning. The beautiful thing about our relationship is that we can make mistakes, do horrible things to each other and yet at the end of the day, you and me will still be mother and daughter.

I think of what kind of mother I would be. Will my children be able to talk to me? Will they be able to run home bursting with exciting news to tell me? Will they miss me when I am not there? Will they turn to me when they realise this world is too ugly to bear alone?

When I was 10, you sent me away on a camp far away in Malaysia. I hated going there because I knew nobody. Kids teased me because I spoke English. Wah speaking seh. We had to sleep in dangaus and I was so homesick. Not because I felt so different, or that I wasn't able to speak street Malay or that we had to sleep on hard, wooden panels and swim through shoulder-high muddy water. No, not because of that. I was homesick because I missed my mother.

I remember I brought my wallet with me and I had a picture of you in it. I remember that incredible sense of longing. I was so sad that I went to the kakak and told her I was really sick. She let me sleep in the facilitator's house on a comfortable bed. I brought my pillow case and in it, I had stuffed Bobo inside. You told me to bring it so that I wouldn't miss it. I slept for a few hours there and then returned to my dangau after everyone went to sleep.

That was the first time I learnt the feeling of loneliness. When you fetched me after the camp, I felt so incredibly relieved and happy.

Do you remember I used to salam you and Aba every night before I went to sleep? I would wait for you to get home so that I could salam you. Then only I would sleep.

Since then, I have learnt how to care, laugh, smile, sob, love and fight. Life taught me the painful lessons of disappointment and arrogance. I've learnt the desperation of being a mere human and the beautiful feeling of peace. I've had my pride torn to bits but I've also learnt to stand up for myself. I have also been reduced to tears by simple kindness and been overwhelmed with love.

I've seen ugly things, done bad things, talked behind people's backs and lied many times. Envy and jealousy are not new to me and hate has made its appearance fleetingly in my life. I've swallowed the bitter pill of being wrong and now understand the need for humility. I have apologised but not enough.

But I've also prayed. And wished. And hoped. I think things are turning around now. I think it's time.