Oooh double ply!

We are obsessed by the quality of toilet paper; one ply, two ply or three ply? Texture is paramount, soft and scrunchable is best. Our conscience is barely affected, granted we pay exorbitant fees to a blood-sucking insitution that serves to use our money to buy useless oak benches to line lawns instead of better education or concession fares.

But nevermind that.

This is the uprising of the toilet paper thieves. Erm scratch that. This is the uprising of the modern day Robin Hood toilet paper heroines (RBTPH)! We serve to uphold justice for poor students who can't afford daily necessities such as the soft and luxuriant commodity of toilet paper. Oh how the marginalised have been suffering.

They search high and low in the staff corners, bureaucratic buildings and rich hospitals, their hearts racing as they carry their big bags designed to stuff rolls of toilet paper in a quick amount of time.

The rules are simple:

1) Always go to secret toilet holes during weekends, holidays and in the evening.

2) When there, be quick and fast, entering to only take whole and unwrapped rolls.

3) Be kind to others: if the roll is about to finish, leave at least one whole roll behind. Toilets in palliative wards are to be left untouched.

4) Alternate between toilet holes, ensuring to not clear out the same hole within the space of 3 months.

5) Finally, if a janitor is sighted - run!

We are always on the lookout for potential toilet holes and are easily excited by the feel of soft double-ply paper. What goodness, what pleasure - the prospect of quality paper, so easily ours.

Yes, we are the modern day RHTPH! We seek to uphold the right to good quality toilet paper in a world so dismal and cruel.