A long case

~"The conclusion that I arrive to is a slow kick to the gut: medicine is bad for a balanced lifestyle and is harder for the clucky woman."~

Unfortunately I fall into the category of fumbling fools.

The only thing I am certain of is God. Everything else - is a mess of conflicts, being caught in the middle and thousands of what-ifs. Perhaps some of it stems from my personality: best described as an everyday worrier, highly organised and at times a control-freak made worse by a natural perversity for the catastrophic.

I think about my friends and they present a spectrum of life. Some are not far away from new motherhood whilst others are already pros at changing diapers and burping the baby. Some have been in long and stable relationships though not quite ready for the challenges of marriage while others are busy planning weddings. Then there are the travelers. Those who have left home and settled elsewhere: a new culture, family and life. Others are by themselves, not necessarily lonely but are living abroad, making their mark in this world and still searching for the right person, right place and right time.

And then there is me.

Twenty-five going onto twenty-six. Abroad. Away from beloved friends and family for almost seven years. The journey to this very spot - has happened. And does not need looking back for what-ifs. But from here on, spreads a multitude of possibilities. Or rather - conflicts.

Physicians would summarise this case by saying, "This is a 25 year old lady who presents with a severe exacerbation of airway disease on a background of poor exercise tolerance from heart failure with a known ejection fraction of 30%. This is further confounded by her morbid obesity and long-term steroid use which she takes for lupus that worsens her peripheral oedema and poorly-controlled diabetes."

A good long case for those sitting physician exams. But as an analogy of my current life issues, no physician would volunteer to treat.

Grey's Anatomy is highly dramatized and at times quite inaccurate; but it does portray some truths of the difficulties of a doctor-in-training. Specialty training is tough, time-consuming and demanding. Often doctors who pursue specialisation have to hold off other important things like relationships, marriage and children. To get into a training program today is no easy feat. One has to compete for it and once accepted, your life for the next six years becomes quite inflexible. Perhaps this is made easier, if one had extended family who are supportive and can help with looking after the kids. But even then, six years is a long commitment.

To put it into perspective, if I embark on physician's training next year, pass my exams in three years, get accepted into an advance training position for another three years (yes we have to fight to get into advanced training too) - that would put me roughly around the age of 32 when I finally receive the official college papers. Thirty-two is three years away from the all-important maternal age of 35 where the risk of many things in pregnancy increases. Of course I do not live my life by statistics. All good and bad comes from God. But I think it's still important to aim for a healthy pregnancy as much as possible. No, life isn't just about having babies for some. But it's an important part of my life and will be a lifelong commitment if I choose to have children.

To further complicate things, what if one's future partner insyaAllah, is also a training doctor? One training doctor is complicated enough, but two training doctors? That is a whole different basket altogether.

Sacrifices need to be made. Yes, yes feminisim, womens' rights yada yada blah blah blah. But can a woman today really have everything??? Sacrifices may mean putting off specialist training, quitting altogether or pursuing a more flexible training program like GP or emergency training which have no appeal to me other than the fact I get to choose my hours. And yes often it is the woman who have to make these choices. The conclusion that I arrive to is a slow kick to the gut: medicine is bad for a balanced lifestyle and is harder for the clucky woman. Everyday more and more female doctors try to find that balance - those who achieve it are few and rare. And often they have the luck of everything falling into place at the right time.

Morbid obesity is complicating this poor lady's health and is reducing the best outcome for her heart and lungs. My 'obesity' is this: having to deal with two opposing cultures, families in two different continents, highly complex decisions as to where best to raise children in an Islamic way and added to that, the unanswerable question of deciding where and when best to complete not one but two specialist training programs which may conflict with one another in the future.

My 'steroid problem' - is my homesickness that accumulates and increments over the years that produces a toxic effect.

My 'peripheral oedema and poorly-controlled diabetes' - that's my daily battle to curb my growing anxiety and find some calm in my worry-laden head.

I miss a lot of things. Past, present and future. My mak always says, "Jangan sedih nak. Mesti menerima keputusan sendiri." My dad - he does not outwardly weep. Any sadness is just a glimmer in the eyes of what is really stored inside. And my umi - she is the strength. The written word is still her best and when in crisis, she is always quick to remind to turn to God.

The only thing I am certain of, is God. And everything else is just a mess of conflicts. See you at the Mark of A Jurist - it promises to be really good. Highly recommend it to those who are free. Then off to Singapore for a good three weeks after that.