Adikku

~It was already written. So that when it came to your day, though our lives seem to be falling apart, everything fell perfectly into place for you.~

When the news finally broke, it was like watching the so many scenes I had seen unfold in the hospital, except this time it was us, the hysterical family, that needed to be ushered into the family room.

And there you were, my baby brother. Lying there so still, wrapped in white. Only three hours before, you had a heartbeat. Bruises and blood were evident. The endotracheal tube still lodged in your throat. Everything about you was you, except you were no longer there. I stroked your soft hair, the only part of your body which did not taint of death.

I gently examined your injuries, asking questions I would never have asked of any other patient.

Were you in a lot of pain? Did you suffer? Were you able to defend yourself? Did you feel terrified when they ambushed you, my poor baby brother? What were you last thoughts before you lost consciousness? Were you thinking of us? What would have been your last words? Are you here in this room looking at us watching us cry over your body?

The image of your face that day remains with me. The swollen lips and jaw, the bruised eyes, the blood coming out from you ear. It spoke volumes to me. You had been violated. By such horrific violence. I keep thinking of how you would have felt that night. I wished I had been there to protect you from such terror. How could a life be treated so cheaply?

Such crassness. So little care to the sanctity of human life.

My decision to return home could never be regretted. I had one month with you. Alhamdulillah, I delayed returning to work. I got to see your face almost everyday at home. I got to wake you up and worry over you about being late to work. I got to hang your curtains for your new room, buy things for your room so you so that you could store your things properly. I'm so glad I got to do those simple things for you before you left us. Only two days before you had passed, we had sat down to eat dinner together - something I hadn't done with you for so many years.

Later that evening, I heard a cat meowing very loudly. I ran downstairs thinking the neighbour's cat had entered the house. It was dark and suddenly you jumped out of the shadows, successful in your attempt to scare me. I screamed and you laughed at my expression. It was actually you impersonating a cat. That was your hallmark, the joker. You always took the time to make others smile and laugh.

On more than a few occasions in the past when I was upset, you would come into my room and put on your 'Fifi' voice and played 'Fifi' with me. It was your way of cheering me up because you were not one for words. You and I always shared this love for Fifi, a very fat soft toy of a fish, that no one in our family seemed to understand. You let me bring Fifi to Melbourne even though it was yours and I knew you were very fond of it. You should know whenever I missed home, Fifi was always a comfort to me.

God must have loved you more for taking you away so young. You had so many plans. You wanted to buy a 3 room HDB flat and had printed out your CPF statements to calculate how much money you needed. You had only been recently offered a place at university. I looked through your recent grades and you had scored 4.0 for all of your subjects! When had my brother decide to put more effort into his studies? I wish I had known sooner and told you how proud I am of you.

I know our parents never told you enough how much they loved you. No matter how you felt and no matter how much you made them angry, believe me they loved you more than they had truly realised. Aba broke down after he carried your body into our house. We had to take him into the room. Even Umi was surprised because Aba has always been the strong one who never let his sadness show. He always told us that he only cries inside his heart.

And your dear brother went out to buy a book on funeral rites. True to his personality, he wanted to do everything right by you and stayed up all night reading so that he was prepared to do everything for you during your jenazah. He had everything memorised and was ready to carry you, bathe you and bury you the proper way.

All this while, God had planned for this day. We had moved to a bigger private house as soon as I had returned home a month ago. I asked Aba why the rush? Aba had bought so many cheap IKEA chairs, fifteen in fact, and I had asked him why did he need to buy so many chairs? Who was going to sit on it? And the week before, Aba had fixed a long hose to the pipe at the back of the house. He had put up a plastic screen over the adjoining wall to our neighbours so that they could not see over the wall to the back of our house. The week before you died, you organised your belongings and even vacuumed and mopped your room, something that I had never seen you do.

It was already written. So that when it came to your day, though our lives seem to be falling apart, everything fell perfectly into place for you.

They came from everywhere - from the teachers you worked with, to your soccer friends, polytechnic friends, colleagues, secondary school friends, motorbike friends; they waited patiently for you to come.They lined the street outside, the frontyard and sat on the chairs that came in so handy while we waited for the coroner to release your body. The space of the new house allowed everyone to wait in comfort for you to arrive home for the last time, something that would have not been possible with our last home. We were able to bathe your body at the back of the house with ease and more importantly with privacy.

It was only after your body had left the front door of our house that the rain descended, pouring heavily for about ten minutes. The heavy rain then became a very light drizzle for the remaining of the day and your burial went smoothly. Your friends both Muslim and non-Muslim all followed to see you be laid to rest. The weather at the cemetery was so cool and your friends were the last ones to leave your grave.

Even though you grumbled about getting the room below - it worked out perfectly because your friends were not shy in staying and hanging out in your room even after the last relative had left. It was their way of being with you and it brought much comfort to our family to see them in your room. Everyone of them reminded me of you.

You had touched so many lives in the short time you were here. It was your sincerity to help others that brought them out on your day. They came through for you. They came everyday for your tahlil and stayed to read selawat nariyah with us. Even your friends who could not read Arabic, they had it written down for them so that they could read the selawat for you. They were determined to do this for you because they loved you so much and wanted justice for you.

I'm rambling. But I wished I had rambled more. You were the baby of our family. You grew up so fast while I was in Melbourne. Was there more I could have done? Could I have advised you more? You always made me worry with your crazy antics but you always had a special place in my heart. You were my one and only adik.

I miss you. I know Aba and Umi miss you too. Especially Umi. It broke her heart to know that you had called her one hour before you were assaulted. She had missed the call. Overnight they look older and seem to move slower.
So don't ever doubt that they didn't love you as much as everyone else my dear brother, your words haunt me when you had said this flippantly the other day but I know you, and you should know we love you very much and we will keep praying for you. InsyaAllah, Aba will perform Hajj for you and because I never got to send you off on your honeymoon - it was going to be my wedding gift to you, I will make sure to always read for you as much as I can insyaAllah.

I know insyaAllah you are in a better place and that you're looking down at me shaking your head at me for not giving Fifi a pair of eyes and laughing at how silly we are trying to figure out this new internet connection that is having us in loops - knowing if you were here you would have easily fixed the problem for us.

I can imagine you saying to me, "Oi why is Fifi so thin! Can you buy some more cotton and make him more fat?"
I love you Ali.

Al-Fatihah.

~Behold, thy Lord said to the angels: "I will create a vicegerent on earth." They said: "Wilt Thou place therein one who will make mischief therein and shed blood?- whilst we do celebrate Thy praises and glorify Thy holy (name)?" He said: "I know what ye know not." ~ [Al-Quran 2:30]